You Big Dummy Indeed

If you're not a child of the 70s (or 80s re-run syndicated television), you might not appreciate the fact that their actually existed a Redd Fox doll. Or maybe you do, it's not really my place to say. It's just about the strangest doll I've seen. Not really an action figure, but you can use him however you'd like, make him fight Stretch Armstrong, whatever. Was their ever a Jimmy Walker one of these? Or Bonnie Franklin? Or Freddie Prinze? Time to consult Google!

I've Got No Bat Idea

Really struggling to figure out what these are. I mean, my mind is telling me that these are Batman and Robin, but beyond that, I can't figure out what purpose they might serve. The look on their faces is what I assume would be after having just walked into the Batcave and found Alfred naked with the Penguin. And then there's that missile in Robin's hand, pointed at Batman. Make of that what you will.

Superhero O-Faces

This one is too easy, so the only comments I'll make are a) no, these aren't action figures, but still, and b) what's up with Spidey's nose/mouth hole, and c) I would have much rather seem a Wonder Woman version of these things.

Glow in the Dark Miracle Hands? Jesus Christ!

Forget about your "kung-fu grip" or even your "change from robot to car" toy gimmicks ... the new Deluxe Jesus Christ action figure sports "glow in the dark miracle hands" plus accessories to die for, including five loafs of bread. Bring home the body of Christ to your children today and have him kick Cobra Commander's ass. Available at finer Wal-Marts, I'd wager.

Bozo Pop... Lick It and Guess What Happens

In memory-slash-honor-slash-mockery of the death of Bozo the Clown (or rather, the guy that played him for the last bunch of decades) I searched around for the most horrifying Bozo toy I could find. Thing is, they're all pretty scary. But the blatant sexual innuendo inherent in a Bozo Pop was the clear winner. Like where you're actually licking in relation to his torso. And the instructions on the packaging. It's comedy gold, the way Bozo would want us to remember him.

Worst Batman Action Figure Ever?

Sometimes when my laptop gets a virus, I wish I could spew forth a ring of flame around my torso and yellow mucus from my head, and make it all go away. So leave it to Bruce Wayne to figure out a way to actually make that happen. McAfee and Norton be damned. This is a much cooler way of getting those pesky files that seem to creep into my system after scouring the web for naked pictures of She-Hulk. (I know you're out there, by the way... I will find you). Of course, we're all assuming this toy is about computer viruses when actually he might be fending of herpes. I mean... Catwoman? Come on, she's got to be loaded with the stuff.

Godzillazy

Let's face it, there are just some accessories that Godzilla doesn't really need. Like a pair of flip-flops. Or a body fat monitor and scale. Or Brita replacement filters. Or Godzukey. And especially... most especially... an armored battle tank. Mechagodzilla is just gonna laugh at you, dude.

Puppet America

In honor of the recently deceased (and reborn) Captain America, here's the puppet version. And truly, what says "America" better than a puppet? There's your deep political commentary. Now that that's out of the way, hey, check out the look on Cap's face! He clearly doesn't want your hand up there. He's hoping you don't open the plastic and just keep this as a collectible in your basement. Or just sell him to another collector who'll preserve the integrity of the package. Put the Cap back in Capitalism. Make a few bucks to pay down your debt. Debt is American too. (Too much heavy political commentary? Then you'll probably enjoy the Probe Droid entry more.)

Now, this Captain America hand puppet is already open so you can play with it instead. I like to refer to it as the "Assassinated Captain America Corpse" puppet... it fits into continuity better that way.

Yub Yub! I'm Dead!

Okay, this one isn't real, but don't you wish it was? Don't get me started on the Ewoks, man. Anyway, if you like this one then head on over b3ta.com for the action figures across the ages challenge!

Moses, America's favorite action hero

I bet the top Moses could take the bottom one. Good, because I never did imagine Moses as a bearded elder in sandals carrying one of those curvy stick things. I guess he was probably carrying the Ten Commandments, but wouldn't it have been cooler if instead of that boring tablet he was carrying a sword and shield? Wouldn't we all have rather seen Charlton Heston decked out in the superhero costume? If you're rather enthusiastically shaking your head in the up and down affirmative motion, then you would probably be interested in purchasing the "Almighty Heroes" version of the Power Prophet. As part of this toy line, he's on a super-squad with David and Samson, but no relation to the Mighty Heroes, I'm afraid.